I often hear understandably befuddled men exclaim:
Why do girls say they want a nice guy, but then keep dating and hooking up with assholes?
In other words, why do women say one thing, and then do another?
Women are so damned confusing! Right?
No, they’re not. You just need to cut through many years of societal bullshit to get to the truth…
THE PROBLEM WITH THE WORD “NICE”
Let’s start with the definition.
The connotation of a Nice Guy in dating is someone who treats women well, who’s a gentleman, and someone that’s sensitive to her feelings and desires.
The reality of a Nice Guy in dating is someone who’s:
This guy looks typically "nice," but for all we know he could be a huge douche that's trying to sleep with your mom and sister at the same time!
Wipe that sick grin off your face Todd! (He looks like a Todd) Quit thinking about their moms and sisters!
Point is, "Nice" is less about looks and more about personality.
I WAS THE NICE GUY
No, not "nice" like Todd!
It was fall of 1998, and after being dumped by my first girlfriend, Mandy at the age of 23, I was very perplexed about how everything had played out. With my first major rejection a year earlier, I had been overly sweet and sappy with a girl that wasn’t attracted to me and my feelings weren’t reciprocated. That brought me to the infamous two rules of dating.
Okay, but with Mandy, she had openly expressed genuinely high feelings for me in the beginning. She had shown me with her tanned athletic body how attracted she was towards me. She had wanted to be around me all the time. But in a mere two months, she couldn’t stand to be around me at all!
As the months passed after our breakup, I often wondered how someone who had expressed so much love and positive feelings for me could now completely avoid me? How could she not be missing me enough to even give me a call to see how I was doing?
A mutual girl-friend agreed to talk to her after our breakup and these were some of Mandy’s notable responses:
“He’s such a sweet guy.”
“He’s smothering me!”
“I don’t want to be tied down.”
“I’m going to date whoever I want!”
So, a head scratching moment... I’m a sweet guy and treat her well, but she doesn’t want to spend time with me. WTF?
“Bitches be crazy” right?
Let’s see. I had been nice, but my time wasn’t valuable. I had been overly accommodating, but I had neglected my own life for her. I had been predictable in my interactions with her. I was bound by the rules of societal myths, and of romantic movies, and not reality.
So who’s crazy in this scenario?
Let’s bottom line each of the negative traits of being nice:
Weak doesn’t make her feel the magical warm and fuzzy feelings deep inside. Weak doesn’t make her want to wrap her sexy feminine body around you. Weak is unattractive. Weak activates her honey badger.
You don’t want to be around her honey badger. (No, it’s not a real honey badger silly, it’s simply genetic coding that makes her feel attraction, or not)
Now, before you head off the deep end on the physical aspects of strength and macho man bad-assery, I’m speaking much more about your inner strengths and resolve. If you don’t have anything to offer her in terms of inner strength, and of emotional support, why should she feel attraction and chemistry for you?
But she should like you because you’re a good, moral guy, right?
Sure, she will like you… as a friend.
Sexual chemistry isn’t about morals. She should want to have sex with you because you’re a good, moral guy? Come on… Feelings aren’t moral. Feelings aren’t immoral. Feelings are a reaction to stimulus – strength, weakness, fear, security.
Women consciously see nice guys as caring, committed, and respectful. But the problem is a woman’s subconscious reacts to nice guys as boring, unconfident, and unattractive. Let’s be completely clear on this, her subconscious is the one that has final say in who she chooses to be with romantically!
So what are nice guys supposed to do?
You could swear off women? But that wouldn’t be any fun.
You could keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result? But that’s the definition of insanity, so we don't want you doing that.
That same girl-friend that talked to Mandy for me suggested that maybe I needed to try being more of a jerk for a while with other girls and see if it made a difference. So I did and can you guess what happened?
Continue to Part 2: